It's extremely hard, extremely hard, to be vulnerable. Before my accident, I was someone who enjoyed their privacy. I didn't enjoy changing in front of anybody backstage when I was in a performance.
Unless I felt completely comfortable, I didn't enjoy people really getting to know me. Hiding it with jokes helps a lot. Ironically, I also crave attention. In my own way, secretly, I was a bit of a private person. Basically, I preferred to give/let you know just enough of who I was, and that was it.
When I fell, all the vulnerability and privacy I possessed were extremely compromised. Since I wasn't able to move a muscle in that hospital bed, I would have multiple nurses that I've never met before, have to undress me, give me a shower, see parts of my body that I kept unseen to the rest of the world. I was now in a position where I was extremely vulnerable.
Do you know that we are in control of our own emotions? Some don't have as much control, but whatever circumstances you find yourself in, for the most part , we as human beings are in control of our own emotions . We decide if were are going to let something make us happy, sad, mad, excited, etc.
The feeling of someone, a complete stranger , being in complete control of bathing me, dressing me, feeding me, seeing all of me, well...it isn't the best. I was vulnerable and felt completely powerless. Until I made the decision for myself not to let something like this get me down. I was now in a position where I was exposed to the world, and I could embrace my situation, my vulnerability, or feel sad and mad about it.
I'd say I lived in a negative thinking space for a little while and soon discovered I didn't want to be in there anymore. I'm vulnerable, so what? It's ok to let your guard down every once in awhile. It's ok to be vulnerable. We're humans, so we feel things. Vulnerability being one of them.
When I changed my outlook and thinking, I saw that things slowly began to progress. My thought was, I knew this wasn't forever, I knew I would need help from time to time. Things were different now. So, accepting it seemed like the right move.
I recommend accepting your vulnerability. Surprisingly, it's not as scary as I thought it be. Try it sometime.
Nicole
